The importance of sex in a romantic relationship

At the beginning, most relationships go through a honeymoon phase in which novelty, uncertainty, and high dopamine levels act as fuel, spontaneously igniting the engine of desire. This is followed by a gradual decline in sexual desire in favor of greater intimacy and stability. After this stage comes a transitional period, often marked by milestones such as moving in together, parenthood, and work‑related stress, each bringing its own challenges. Eventually, the couple tends to settle into a companionship‑based love; here, sexual satisfaction can endure only if both partners actively nurture eroticism, variety, and emotional security.

So, what factors shape desire, and how can we cultivate it?

Sternberg’s Seven Types of Love

According to R. J. Sternberg, love (and other interpersonal bonds) is built from three components:

Intimacy: Feelings of emotional closeness, connection, and bonding.

Passion: Emotions and drives such as physical attraction, romance, and sexual activity.

Commitment: The decision to stay with the partner and pursue shared goals.

Long‑Term Factors That Influence Desire

Below are some of the most common forces that affect sexual desire and satisfaction over time:

1. Habit and Monotony: The human brain strives for efficiency; repeated stimuli get filtered out. The caresses, positions, or scents that once instantly sparked desire gradually fade into the background. Sex then becomes predictable, and the brain shifts its focus to quicker dopamine rewards like smartphone scrolling.

2. Daily Stress: Work pressures or life stressors (financial worries, micro‑aggressions, etc.) keep cortisol high and the prefrontal cortex on alert, monopolizing attention for problem‑solving and leaving little room for pleasure and desire. This often affects both partners.

3. Role Changes: Becoming parents, caring for an aging parent, or pursuing ambitious careers can drain physical and mental energy, crowding out the playful, "transgressive" facets of the erotic self and pushing partners to relate more like co‑managers or roommates.

4. Medical or Hormonal Factors: Chronic inflammation, thyroid dysfunctions, peri‑menopausal fluctuations, antidepressants, antihypertensives, or even fragmented sleep alter neurotransmitters, circulation, and genital sensitivity, flattening spontaneous desire even when emotional intimacy is strong.

How to Rekindle the Spark

• Novelty and Growth: Share experiences that challenge you and let you "see your partner in a new light": plan activities or courses together, step out of your comfort zone, or simply share a fun moment.

• Keep a Little Distance: Like fire, desire needs oxygen. We often feel captivated again when we watch our partner do something from afar or hear them speak passionately about a topic on their own. Why not each plan an evening pursuing a personal interest and then share the story with each other?

• Embrace Reactive (Not Only Spontaneous) Desire: Replace the “either desire appears out of nowhere or nothing happens” mindset with cuddling, massages, or sharing erotic material, allowing desire to grow naturally as the body responds to stimulation.

• Talk Openly About Sex: Discuss fantasies and what you enjoy your partner doing in bed. This boosts satisfaction by reducing discomfort and increasing complicity.

• Train Erotic Mindfulness: Applying mindfulness exercises here, practicing presence in the moment, helps shift attention from thoughts to bodily sensations.

• Lower Daily Stress Together: Carve out a few minutes before sex for light exercise, yoga/meditation, listening to music, anything unstructured, to bring cortisol down.

These are just a few techniques for keeping desire alive or reigniting it. If you’d like personalized help, feel free to contact me; I’d be happy to assist you.